After your dreams have all died and morning isn't morning, what are you?
“I fell in love with the things you said instead of you”
but how do you fall in love with someone not just by their words? They say that if you do this, you are falling in love with the idea of someone and not the actual person but what the frick am i supposed to think when you say things like “I don’t think there’s a God, but you’re a freaking miracle of a person” and ”I love you more than anyone, fucker.” ?
Some people all they have is words. I am those people!! help this is why people leave me
I want to stop lying. I want to not cheat on people. I want a man with a beard and two hands and a chest. I want a man to push our child’s butt over the edge of the seat it’s trying to climb and then say yay!! you did it all by yourself!!! I want friends that like me. I want a boy to lay on top of me and crush me with all of his weight. I want a boy to bury his face in my neck. I want to be choked. I want you to call me pretty. I want you to hit me. I want you to stop apologizing. I want you to stop apologizing then going right back to fingering me a minute and a half later. I want the bruises on my neck to go away before he notices. I want him to notice. I don’t want to have to think of these things, I want them to pour out of me. I want to believe that I want to die. I want to be a good person. I want to stop lying..
The man i end up building a life with has to have his own chair. My dad has his blue chair in the center of the living room upstairs and my grandfather had a magenta chair that is still in the corner of their living room even though hes not alive anymore and they sleep in the chair and they eat in the chair and snore in the chair and are always there in the chair and the man i end up building a life with has to have his own chair.
Leonardo da Vinci was the only painter ever to depict Jesus Christ with holes in his wrists. Contrary to what most people are taught today of Christ being nailed to the cross by his palms, da Vinci believed that he was actually hung by his wrists; he recognized that the palms would never have been strong enough to support the full weight of his body.
Anyway, I drew a black dot on my wrist right after I learned that and now I can’t stop picturing a nail going through and piercing one of my veins and it just bleeding out and down the length of my arm but in the way my veins are arranged and yea
idk i just keep picturing that im yoko ono and im lying on the floor and people are coming up to me one by one and cutting me like not cutting my dress but cutting my skin and im letting them not because i want the pain but because i want to prove something. and im lying when i say i want to prove something, i want my pain. i deserve my pain
i hope you get a job that involves writing people’s names down and when someone with the same name as me comes along you will write it down and you will feel it
and these are such small simple thoughts but it builds up into everything and more of everything and everything again and im sorry
i dont know why i keep apologizing but sometimes its the only thing i have to write about. isn’t the real reason for writing repentance? isn’t that all it is? if it is, i could go on for miles like
im sorry i cheated on you even though we are like almost the same person but you never were subjected to any of this. you do drugs to open your mind you don’t know why i do these things that i do, there is a reason, somewhere i promise. yesterday my lit professor said that it takes a very strong character to break away from the impression that was left on you by your parents, the legacy. for example, if you were a child who had always seen your parents drinking and getting fucked up to deal with their problems, there is a much higher chance that you will throw yourself into alcoholism as well. but wouldnt you want to abstain from that? wouldnt it be more logical that you have seen this pain and lived through it first-hand that now you would want to run as far away as you can from it? I keep thinking about this and when i indirectly talk to you about how im cheating on you you don’t get it. i used this reference once. the alcoholism. you didn’t. get it.
But how is it that the people around you aren’t interesting enough to keep your attention? that you are able to use them and move on without consequence to yourself?
how can you invest that much time into a mouth only for the person who it belongs to become a stranger